rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
