just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
