Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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