now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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