I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
