Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
