I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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