Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
