Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
