So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He did a backflip because drugs
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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