Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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