How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
