I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
