My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
