just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
