I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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