News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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