well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
