I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
