You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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