i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
