The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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