Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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