speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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