beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
