all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
