The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize