My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
