yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
