I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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