I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
should my penis look like a turkey
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
