I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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