Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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