I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
