Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
