Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
