he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
