i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
