The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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