Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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