Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
