fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
