yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
