My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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