I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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