I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
