he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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