My underwear smells like fireworks.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
