Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
