Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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