I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize