You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize