Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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