Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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