Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
