just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
