R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
