I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize