You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
