I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
